123 Best Dark Humor Jokes To Laugh With Your Closest One

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If you are closest to someone, then you can use these dark humor jokes. Because Dark humor jokes can be told among the closest of friend groups. Here is the list of some best dark humor jokes.

1 to 31 Dark Humor Jokes

1. A child molester and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a drink.

2. A man and a woman are walking through the woods at night when the woman says “I’m scared”. “How do you think I feel?” The man replies. “I have to walk back alone.”

3. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

4. Did you hear the joke about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.

5. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

6. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

7. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

Read: Best St Patrick’s Day Jokes

8. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

9. Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding she’d say: “you’re next”. So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

10. For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

11. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

12. Grandma: Most people your age are married by now, why aren’t you? Me: Most people your age are dead by now, why aren’t you?

13. I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

14. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

15. I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

16. I hope death is a woman. That way it will never come for me. (ref)

17. I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around”.

18. I read a book about an immortal dog. It was impossible to put down.

19. I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

20. I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

21. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

22. I was raised as an only child, which I think was hard for my brother.

23. I went to visit my childhood home, but the people who lived there wouldn’t let me in. My parents are the worst.

24. I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”

25. If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it.

26. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

27. Jokes about ISIS are all about the execution.

28. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.

29. My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

30. My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

31. My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”

32 to 62 Dark Humor Jokes

32. My grandpa has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

33. My grief counsellor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

34. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

35. My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

36. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

37. My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.

38. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Lovely saying. Terrible way to find out you’re adopted.

39. Sex is like air. It only matters if you aren’t getting any.

40. Shout out to my grandma since that’s the only way she can hear you.

41. Stop elephant poaching. Everyone knows the best way to eat an elephant is grilled.

42. Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

43. Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.

44. What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A tearjerker.

45. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

46. What makes sad people jump? Bridges.

47. What’s the best part about turning 60? No more calls from life insurance salesmen.

48. What’s the difference between a baby and a potato. About 140 calories.

49. What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage

50. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

51. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.

52. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

53. Where did Sharon go during the bombing? Everywhere

54. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 metres of a school? Because he’s dead

55. Why can’t you get a book on how to commit suicide at a library? Because you wouldn’t bring it back

56. Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person

57. Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.

58. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.

59. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

60. They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.

61. What’s your name, son? The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

62. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

63 to 93 Dark Humor Jokes

63. I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

64. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

65. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

66. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

67. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

68. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

69. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

70. I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.

71. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

72. Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

73. I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”

74. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

75. What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly a clown into the tiny car.

76. I work with animals, the guy says to his date.  “That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?” “I’m a butcher,” he says.

77. Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.

78. Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!

79. Just say NO to drugs! Well, If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

80. A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”

81. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

82. Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

83. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

84. I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

85. I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.

86. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

87. I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic. It’s called the Plaguestation 5.

88. I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.

89. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

90. I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

91. I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

92. I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

93. If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!

94 to 123 Dark Humor Jokes

94. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.

95. It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ one of my good friends would still be alive.

96. It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

97. My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

98. My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.

99. My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

100. My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

101. My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

102. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my brother.

103. My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die. “Usually an overdose, son,” I told him.

104. My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. “She obviously has COVID,” my wife said. “Why?” I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, “Because she has no taste.”

105. My wife of 60 years told me, “Let’s go upstairs and make love.” I just sighed and said, “Choose one, I can’t do both.”

106. The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

107. Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

108. Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?” “Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK, now what?”

109. What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.

110. What’s the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn’t beat cancer.

111. What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.

112. What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.

113. What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour? Its butt.

114. Where exactly are you taking me, doctor? the patient asked. “To the morgue,” the doctor replied. “What?” The patient panicked. “But I’m not dead yet!” “And we’re not there yet,” the doctor said.

115. Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

116. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

117. You’re not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.

Some Best Dark Jokes

Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
Patient: What condition?

Man with cancer: “How much time do I have left?”
Doctor: “Ten”
Man with cancer: “Months? Weeks? Days?”
“… Nine. Eight …”

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”

What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

Man: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”
Doctor: “To the morgue.”
Man: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”
Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”